Confessions of a dubious mind.

I want to start this thread to present my confession(s). I'm not sure where it will go or even if it will go.

The confessions start with an unreliable mind, in many ways. I feel an inclination to confess, admit, acknowledge, apologize for, occasionally brag on, primarily, to start with, in self-deprecating adjectives and adverbs. Hell, I don't even know what "post-metaphysical" means.

Unfortunately, as dubious and unreliable, this mind moves all over the place. Perhaps it is feeling upset in its tummy from too many peeled grapes taken in already, unable to digest.

When I am flitting deeper through the complicated conundrums of knowing, as I dabble deeper into quiet in a homegrown version of meditation-contemplation during the early morning waking hours, thinking of all that seems to be known and asserted here on IPS and elsewhere, wondering why I don't get it, one regular place I go is to feel certain that my mind is mediocre, inferior, undeveloped, ensconced in the gross, without much knowledge of subtlety and hardly a clue of causal. It is lazy or incapable and doesn't want to carefully study the great philosophers who have probably trodden and cracked open this ground.

It doesn't want to study, feel through, and come to embody "true knowing" from the great minds and spiritual space travelers like perhaps aurobindo, ramana maharshi, nigarjuna and so on.

It/he doesn't want to and thinks he is too old to sit with a "true guide" to proper meditation that lays a reliable and capable foundation for knowing, and he doesn't entirely trust the mental politics and veracity of this either. Yup, he is all over the place, and being one of the cats himself, is having trouble herding the cats of his mind.

All apparently self-concluding and even deprecating - with bits of humor and counter opinions interspersed.

He thinks that his exiting the conundrum(s) must have something to do with "knowing" that some have said is an organ like the senses and should be accorded a similar status of reliability. Part of knowing apparently must be an intrinsic logic, along with a more formally learned logic to be used as a careful tool, and the exit into the mainstream of cutting edge knowers will acknowledge and imbibe that.

If he were to exit, and to know like the others, he must do "the work". Alas, he wants peeled grapes to be placed within his hedonistic mouth, by others. But he doesn't quite trust, doesn't quite believe the others.This all, and more, is a conundrum that may break this man's mind to smithereens, with no reincarnation of humpty to be seen.

Likely he'll partly wander off in part resignation and pick the random grape. Then die.

Nice story, there, mind.

To, perhaps, be continued.